NO may be a short word but it has a huge impact on our lives. Our problem is that we do not know how and when to use it. In fact we are so scared of it that we say YES to everything just to avoid saying NO. As CEOs, MDs, managers we say YES to all our clients’ demands because we are so scared that they will say NO to us in future. Not to even talk about saying NO to shareholders. The same thing happens with you and your boss, when he asks to do something the answer is YES even if you miss a date with your wife or your kids’ school concert because we are scared that when it comes to a renewal of you contract or your annual increase and bonus he/she will say NO. We live in fear of the word NO!
Why do we not like to use the word NO?
In essence NO is a rejection of a request or an idea, but we take it personally: "You rejected my idea, therefore you rejected me." I know how it feels to be rejected therefore I do not want you to feel the same, so I say YES.
In sales we learn to ask open ended questions, meaningful questions that make the conversation flow. By say NO kills the conversation causing an uncomfortable situation that we want to avoid, so we say YES.
How do you feel when you, with all good intention, come up with, what you thought to be a great idea, and you boss flat out just says NO without even considering it? Do you also feel like you crack up inside? We have all seen what the high pitch sound wave can do to a glass when a opera singer hits the top note, that is the image that comes to mind when I see the face of someone that worked so hard only then to hear the word NO. As we do not like feeling rejected, we do not want to do that onto others, so we say YES.
In other words NO to us means: Conflict, Rudeness and being Powerless
Why should we be able to decline and say NO?
We have limited resources, whether we are talking about a company or in our personal capacity. As a company we have limited access to cash, time, stock and personnel etc. In our personal capacity we have limited resources as well in the sense of time, health, money and energy. Last year alone businesses in the USA lost $300 000 000 000 ($300B) just due to labour burn out. Bearing in mind this is money earned, only then to be lost again. What we do not understand is that we cannot please everyone all the time, especially because we have limited resources.
I had a boss that had the following saying: "NO means MAYBE and MAYBE means YES!" He just never took a NO for an answer. He was right, we never should use the word NO, because our minds are so strongly imprinted with the negative meaning and impact of the word NO that we will never use it, but how do we then save our resources and protect our boundaries and still keep good friendly neighbours?
Idea 1
Do not answer straight away, give it time, at least two seconds, to think. If you need more time tell the person: "Let me get back to you on that" or "Let me check my schedule." This will give the person the feeling that his/her proposal or request gets serious consideration, therefore makes them feel good.
Idea 2
Remember time is a valuable resource. Everyone always thinks that their project is the most important in the company. Filter the importance of the requests for your time by postponing the request to the future. Very quickly that person will come up with a excuse for instance: "Never mind I can see you are busy, I’ll ask John" But if you said yes you would have been losing that valuable resource; time.
Idea 3
Especially in a work situation it may be difficult to tell your boss that you will think about his/her "request". So it is important that you have a clearly defined "Thing To Do list" to which to refer. Give the person that asks you something, for example your boss, the following answer: "I can most certainly do that for you but in order to do that I need to reschedule task ABC that you gave me last week in order to fit it into (not mine but the) the schedule, is that ok with you?" You see in this way you allow him/her to save face and you shift the responsibility over to them. If task ABC does not get done on time, it was their executive decision and you will be in the clear. So keep it simple and give an alternative.
Remember your boss pays for your time. If he/she does not know what they getting in exchange for their investment, they will want more until they feel they get their value, BUT Bosses you have you work under a boss yourself. How you treat your staff is how your boss will treat you. Be sure to know how many of your resources are utilised and how many are available so that you know how much you and your staff can take on.
Idea 4
When you really just cannot or don’t want to do something, acknowledge the offer and acknowledge the person: "I really just cannot do what you are asking off me but I really appreciate that you thought of me." If you want to go a step further you can offer an alternative, for instance: "Sorry my time is fully booked up and I really appreciate the offer. I do know that John has been looking to an opportunity like this for quite some time, ask him, he will enjoy working on your project"
Idea 5
Questions! Questions! Questions are our friends. See the link below for a great article on Questions and Answers. Utilise Questions to make people think of alternatives. Practice it on your kids: "Mom I would like to go out tonight, can I, please?" "Sure you can but studying for your exam will just ensure that you can move to the next grade with your friends, wouldn’t that be great?" This takes practice. Questions are not just a way of saying something, it is a way of thinking and communicating, don’t you think?
Every time we say YES to something we silently say NO to something else. The question we must ask ourselves what is the cost of this decision. So every time I say YES to extra work because I cannot say NO, I do in fact say NO to someone or something else. I say NO to my wife, I say NO to my child, I say NO to my family, I say NO to my support structure. What is the cost of this decision in the long term? A divorce, a child on drugs, teen pregnancy? NO family and friends. So if your boss asks for that extra hour, that he is not going to pay you for, you will pay with hour at the divorce court, maternity ward, at the rehab centre or sadly alone next to your own braai. BUT I can hear you say I will lose my job if I do not say YES. I will patch things up later, you say! NO you will not lose your job if you learn to say NO correctly. You may even find that people like people that are politely assertive.
Remember saying NO makes space for saying YES.
Saying NO saves up your most valuable resource TIME!
What is your Power Zone?
Think of a landing strip and you are a pilot. The power zone is that area where you can land the aeroplane the safest. As soon as you get to the edge of the landing strip the red lights get more pronounced and once you go outside of them you get into the danger zone where you will be punished. As a pilot the punishment will be damage to your plane. Remember all landingstrips are different widths.
Sometimes it is easier to say something that points to NO and other times not. Some people say it is our subconscious that speaks up and tells us that we are moving towards our boarder of our reference map or reference structure, where others say it is when we move out of our comfort zone. I like to say it is when we move out of our power zone or off our landingstrip. A power zone is the place where either way you are right and cannot be punished for your decision. This is where freewill happens.
Is the power zone stagnant?
Not at all, it is dynamic, it can grow and it can shrink. We can enlarge the comfort zone by seeing ourselves as powerful, and it enlarges when others see you as powerful. By not always giving in and saying YES we gain the power because their perspective is that you are confident and confidence equals power. Here are some ways to gain power without disarming those around you.
Suggestion 1: Give people options: Plan A or Plan B
Suggestion 2: Help people to see a different perspective
Suggestion 3: The best question is to asking for advice.
Suggestion 4: Share your passion(s) with everyone. Nelson Mandela once said; "As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." Talking about your passion(s) opens up a new world for other people that they may even have forgotten exists. They will be forever grateful to you. There is a further benefit; if people know your passion(s), how will they deny you living a life of passion. For example: If everyone know that you are passionate about your kids, how will your boss deny you taking time off to go to the school concert? BUT if no one know what you are passionate about, what will they think of you?
Suggestion 5: Build allies. The TV series Survivor showed that the person with the strongest alliances is the one with the most power, BUT do not become power drunk. Remember that the power scale is dynamic and is constantly changing. So many people wake up one morning powerless because they were not sensitive to their environment and totally under control of others. A great rule here is: Do unto others as you like them to do unto you. The one with the strongest alliances will win the game.
REMEMBER
Only those with POWER can share POWER hence emPOWERment
Only those with POWER have options
Only those with POWER can sleep safely AND sleep well AND be happy
People with POWER say YES because they want to, not because they must!
